Sleep and Trauma

They say that adults who experience sleep disturbances where they can't sleep at night is because of childhood trauma, and because the night is the time when everyone who hurt them were sleeping that it remains embedded deep into the subconscious which prevents that person from being able to sleep at night so they can satisfy the need for calmness and safety that the night brought to them as a child.  I guess this explains why I've had trouble sleeping at night from as young as I can remember.

 

Everything from being bullied at school and on the streets to both parents being abusive left imprints on me that no amount of psychological intervention will ever be able to erase.  I may be luckier than others that my slower development of emotions and understanding shielded me from becoming a wounded animal cowering in the corner needing medication to control my anxieties, although there are times I feel like curling up into a corner and wishing for tears to carry away all the pain and emotions I've developed over the years and the memories that keep creeping their way back into my head even though I've tried so hard to bury them and put them behind me.

 

I used to look for ways to either gain attention so I could get the help I needed or to redirect the pain somewhere else, but in the end I realised I only had myself.  It was a painful start to life not having anyone to confide in or willing to stand up for me and take me away from it all.  I harmed myself in the process looking for attention or to redirect the pain but still I received and felt nothing.  I talked the ears off my newly wedded husband who eventually closed his ears and stopped listening because he'd heard it all before and my autistic rambling was like a broken record.

Some people suggested I should get psychological help, but having been so used to battling on my own I felt I could ride out the battle by myself.  I eventually tried psychological help a couple of times but it wasn't helpful.  They couldn't understand how my autistic brain works so their application of therapy just didn't resonate with me.  Besides I had gotten involved in social circles on the web where I had opened my heart to others and shared with them my experiences and vice versa and that momentary sense of relief after talking brought comfort that someone was finally listening, even though they weren't qualified to handle my issues.  I know it was selfish because they too had their own issues and mine was overshadowing theirs and bringing them down with me.  It wasn't intentional, I just didn't know who else to talk to and I felt our friendship was solid enough that I could trust them with my dark past.

School and street bullying, CSA from different offenders, physical abuse, domestic abuse from an ex-partner, controlling religous cults, rape, and almost being murdered by my own mother.  How did I get through all of this without breaking I don't know since I had no idea how to handle it and I still don't, but one thing's for sure I can count more days where I slept through the day than days when I slept at night.  If I were to confront those offenders who hurt me in the past I don't know what I'd say or do to them.  Maybe I'd turn around and walk away without saying a word, maybe I'd tell them they should be ashamed and burn in Hell for what they did to me, or maybe my consciousness would seal itself away that my words would be received on the edge of a sharp blade.  I doubt the latter would happen since I've never felt the need to persue such violence to satisfy my own needs, and God forbid what would happen to my soul if I ever did such a hineous act.  Losing my rights to live freely and separated from everything I care for, the fear of eternal damnation...I'd rather sink that blade into my own heart than that of another even if they did deserve it.  Besides when the time comes God's judgment can do far worse than what I could ever do.  Retribution comes at a high cost, but God's mercy has an unmatchable price tag.